groWTH

From "Falling into the Arms of God: Meditations with Teresa of Avila" by Megan Don

Virtue is not a word that rolls easily off the contemporary tongue. For many it is associated with morality or uprightness; however, it has also been defined as "inherent power" (Collins English Dictionary). For Teresa the greatest virtue was the growth of our soul; by attending to this growth, she believed, we can discover the power that we are all born with. Be vigilant, she warned. Watch closely as you grow into yourself spiritually, and allow for change and growth to occur both in your friends and in you. Too often we want people to stay the same to ensure our own comfort. Likewise, our growth may not always be welcomed even by those closest to us.

I like the idea of growth being a virtue. We want virtues, right? So I like the idea of growth being something that we want, that we value, want to uphold, and strive to implement in our own lives. Lately I've been realizing the value of growth, the importance of it, the blessing of it. I find growth in seeking new experiences, in setting goals and reaching them, in reading, in learning, in figuring out how to better yourself, in furthering and/or using your strengths, in nurturing yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

Teresa of Avila talks about the "growth of our soul." I'm not sure if the growth I've experienced is the growth of my soul, in particular, but its the growth of something for sure. What is a soul anyway? I suppose that's a question many have debated, perhaps it's related to the dualism of mind and body stuff I learned about in philosophy. But, hmmm, soul. My deepest inner parts? The spirit of life that keeps my hands typing and lungs breathing? The invisible mechanism that brings joy? My heart? My head? I think it's a combination of all these things wrapped up in one big mystery.

I guess Teresa also believed that this virtue/ inherent power of growth is the greatest power individuals have. I would agree from experience. I think that when your are learning and expanding and growing you are alive in an indescribable way. You are more alert, more interested, more confident.

Let me run with some implications of this idea.

So if one's greatest power is this virtue of growth of your soul, then one's greatest power, (and I might add) sense of control and contentment, does not come from money, looks, or any materials in themselves. It means we have a power that no one can take away from us in order to deplete our power or to increase their own supply. I suppose it would require a little bit of "love of self" as you would need to put a little focus on bettering yourself--but this would be so you could be at your best in order to, perhaps, eventually go on to help others and make a bigger and better contribution to the world.

Anyways I want to tackle another dimension of this growth thing. One friend in particular showed me the beauty of bettering yourself and I think it is the best gift you can give someone. I believe I am greatly indebted to her. But this leads to something else that Teresa touches on: the problems in relationships that go along with the growing process. She seems to see that we are all in relationships and everything that happens to us will affect others because it affects us, one half of the relationship. It seems we must leave room for each other to grow, to not grow, or to grow in a different direction or pace than us. And to love them through it all. This relationship aspect is complicated, but something I really want to explore more.

In the spirit of growth I will close with future questions to be thought about/ answered

• Perhaps I feel so close to someone because we are so similar, but as we grow/change, we may not be so similar. Would it/ Should it affect our closeness?
• Can growing as an individual in a relationship somehow be a joint project? Like pushing one another in their individual growth? What would that look like?
• The power of virtue may be the strongest power an individual can have, is it the strongest power a group of individuals could have?
• How can we keep from being judgemental of others' growth or seeming lack of it? How can we keep from being pushy even though we so very much want the best for another (or what we think the best for them is)?
• How can we harness this best part of ourselves, the power that comes from growth, and apply it to everyday life?
  

20th B-day

I want to record the contents of this day-my twentieth birthday-for all history to remember.

Woke up and decided for some reason not to wash my hair, instead just pulled it back and tried to make it look clean. Only the second day this summer I've had the whim to do this. In the car ride to work, listened to Eric and Kathy talk about lemonade stands being stolen from little girls. Did work. Listened to some Orson Wells stories, one of which was about this family that had a diamond the size of a mountain and anyone who came over to visit (or who they invited over) they had to kill. Plus, heard an hour of Reduced Shakesphere Company sketches talking about things like how all his comedies are the same and imagining his "little known" trip to America in which he wrote Romeo & Juliet after watching West Side Story. Listened to NPR and heard about North Korea trying to get the attention of the U.S. by loading up nuclear missle heads and a record setting purchase of a Gustav Klimt painting.

Took my lunch break reading a 1993 issue of National Geographic, in particular an article about Russia and the first picture caption of the one about Kazakstan. Left early at four. Stopped at the library on the way back; renewed my Wendell Berry poem back and checked out two more--one called The Simple Life and another Doing Art Together. Both found as I glanced at shelves I otherwise was about to whisk by. Lucky. Went to dinner with my bro and mom and the nearby Irish pub. Never been to an Irish pub. But my asparagus and blue cheese salad told me that Irish pubs may not be so bad. Banana ice cream cake from Sams after. Highlight of gifts: a bilingual bible and a license plate recycled into a CD book holder thing.

Slight twinges of impatience and anger come when people insist on buying me things and doing things for me. Why is that? Maybe I think that if they really "knew me" they'd know I didn't want any of things. Maybe I feel like people just want to do the things for me that they'd want done for them, I'm not considered too much in the process. Here is my critical-ness coming in. I need to accept and assume the best. No more criticism coming from an ungrateful heart.

People love me and show me in the best way they know how. And for that I am extremely blessed and thankful. What more can any of us do and for what more could I hope?

South Central Farm on the radio

I heard on the radio today that the South Central farmers were officially kicked off yesterday with LAPD there to arrest squatters and tree sitters. The human spirit stayed alive until the end, but the green life growing out of that 14 acres of land were murdered with bulldozers. Sorry so dramatic. But I feel strong emotion.

I feel sadness that the produce, fresh oxygen, and community life of the farm will be no more. That the big old nepales I saw as I walked along 41st (or was it Alameda?) that were standing sturdily despite some scars or few points of rotting will be there no more.

I feel anguish and confusion. My heart and my head are torn. After going there--which involved seeing the plants, eating the farmers' pupusas and melon horchata, hearing THEIR side of the story--I want nothing but a long long life for that garden. That's why I went to the protest at city hall and screamed my heart out and cheered for those wearing vegetables and doing skits in the street. That's why I asked everyone I knew to sign a letter to the mayor. That's why I prayed and kept updated. But. But, I know there is another side to the story and I don't know what is "right." Maybe the land was just loaned to the farmers and there was not "shady" business deals as they claim. I don't know. My heart and my head are torn.

I feel that feeling I feel when it seems things aren't as they should be. I don't know if there is an appropriate emotion to call it. It's a mix of regret and sadness and anger and helplessness and longing and hope.

I was glad it was mentioned on this morning talk show, but did it have to be only after it was too late to help? And did they have to make jokes about Darryl Hannah in the tree? And did they have to make a point about how it really wasn't their land? I just felt like it denigrated the beauty of the farm and all that it stands for and all that it has meant to the people there. So much of people's lives and energies have been put into saving this farm.

Just a thirty second blurb, if that. Right after it was said, the newsperson went right on to the next news stories. I know that's how it usually goes, but it doesn't do the situation justice. It doesn't do any situation justice, especially those dealing with individuals. Are there any that don't? Feels cold. And heartless. If we really wanted people to remember the news and care about it, maybe we'd include more personal stories, more viewpoints.

I dunno. Just thoughts. Just how I feel.

Psalm 97

Psalm 97 confuses me. First it says that a cloud and a thick darkness surrounds God, but then fire and lightening go before him. What's up with that. And then the mountains melt, he must be hot too. And the first verse about how God's in control so the earth should be glad and distant shores rejoice. All I can think of is the family who got shot on a beach in Palestine. And the south central farmers who were evicted yesterday. Distant shores rejoice. What's up with that.

Maybe the dark/light thing shows that God is everything. A mystery. Since his foundation is righteousness and justice, maybe with the light comes that justice as foes are consumed and the earth trembles. Wait. The earth should be glad, yet it trembles. What's up with that.

And again, perhaps the justice and gladness come as the "light is shed upon the righteous and joy on the upright in heart." But what is "light" and "joy." Probably not a traditionally happy and blessed life. Probably it means pain and heartache that has a constant thread and theme of hope and strength. Maybe that's where the cloud and thick darkness comes back into play.

Seriously. What. Is. Up.

Bikes, Art & Nudity

All around this weekend is the World Naked Bike Ride. I'm inspired because

1) I'm just getting into the bike culture and city rides

2) It must bring a sense of empowerment. You have to admit it must bring a certain amount of empowerment. To be so out of bounds in a society that sets such strict boundaries. To kind of prove to yourself that your body is okay, it is nothing to be ashamed of even if it doesn't fit the popular image of "hot" or "beautiful." Not only is it nothing to be ashamed of, but it's something to be celebrated.

2) The body painting part is a form of expression that I definitely am not very familiar with. It involves making yourself beautiful on a new level. I've never thought about using your body as an actual canvas. How creative. It exposes me and others to yet another form that artistic expression can take.

3) It's a great way to get a message out about a cause (whether its about oil dependancy) or anything else.

It's going on my Things To Do in Life list.

Check out these sites.

Fillipo Ioco
World Bodypainting Festival
Glow in the Dark!

Criticism

I am most critical of those I love the most. I must not assume that I know best for them or that my way should be their way. If I really love them, should I love everything about them? It eats away at me...negativity fills me. Isn't it awful? I need to let go somehow. To look for the good, which comes so easily when it's not a close family member or friend. Maybe I coul turn more of that criticism inward and use it to work on myself rather than trying to change others....

A peom by Wendell Berry

Awake At Night

Late in the night I pay
the unrest I owe
to the life that has never lived
and connot live now.
What the world could be is my good dream
and my agony when, dreaming it,
I lie awake and turn
and look into the dark.
I think of a luxury
in the sturdiness and grace
of necessary things, not
in frivolty. That would heal the earth, and heal men.
But the end, too, is part
of the pattern, the last
labor of the heart:
to learn to lie still,
one with the earth
again, and let the world go.

I like this poem and I like its author. In another book I'm reading by Wendell Berry-Home Economics- he talks a lot about top soil and how it is so ordinary yet so extraordinary. We can "preserve and collaborate" in the things it does, but we cannot actually do what it does. It makes life out of death. It turns dead leaves into food for descendents. It resurrects. It holds water as well as drains it at the same time; has man created such a substance? "A healthy soil is made by the life dying into it and by the life living in it, and to its double ability to drain and retain water we are complexly indebted, for it not only gives us good crops but also erosion control as well as both flood control and a constant water supply."

Plus, he talks about how we must measure it in quantity AND quality. In our capitalistic business practices, so often the numbers are what are important and the sturdiness, the health of an object or the product, is always a nice thing to have but not a necessity. First comes squeezing the most for the least. The quality of the object, in many cases, isn't top priority. But with soil, capitalists can't ignore the quality of it. It must be healthy to produce the most and it must be cared for properly in order to be sustained. It demands attention and health. It keeps us in check.

It makes me excited about nature. It makes me want to respect the ground and grass and even the dead leaves that can be an eyesore sometimes. It makes me want to be all hippie-ish and Native American and talk about the spirit life in everything and start adopting parts of my yard into my family. Yup, there is sister sunflower and cousin cardinal. It makes me want to be a farmer and enter into a relationship with the dirt. About the quantity vs quality thing: it makes me wonder if it has something to teach us about how we do business in general. Perhaps it is a stretch and unrelated and this thought path is leading nowhere. But think about it. Could the care and consideration that goes into cultivating good soil be applied to how we make other products? How our production and consumption affects the quality of the earth, all humans everywhere, the air........

YaY

YayI have a blog and this is exciting.